Monday, 26 December 2011

Thank the lord...

Breath in....breath out...breath in....heave a sigh of relief.  Christmas is over and I actually got through it without crying, throwing a tantrum or throwing the kids out!  

I wish I could say it was peaceful and magical...but it wasn't.  It was one continuous food fest from Christmas Eve until just 10 minutes ago, when I stuffed the last mince pie down BH's throat, even though he was protesting he couldn't eat another thing.  The thought that I might wake in the night and creep down and eat it was all that was playing on my mind. No more bleedin' mince pies! Yee haww! The house is a bit empty now that Sis and her family (with BB and Girlfriend), Ma and Pa, Bro and partner have all departed to their various homesteads, but I'm glad they've gone. I've loved having them, but I love having my home back.

The kids have been excellent.  They behaved better than the adults.   Sis's husband got seriously annoyed with us as we refused to play to the rules of scrabble and made up our own.  I mean, there were three under 13 who had no idea what "ZOANTHARIANS" means.  I didn't either but I'm not admitting to it! He threatened to take the board away!!  It was our board! Fortunately, I think we can put it down to alcohol and tiredness as Mimi ran in at 5.30, jumped on their bed and demanded that he put together her dolls house.  BH told her to do it! 

So now I'll get on with the clearing up.  The toys will stay stacked in the living room until I have the energy to sort them out. But I'm looking forward to ripping down the decorations and giving the place a good dusting!  Roll on the 12th night!

Friday, 16 December 2011

Goodwill and peace to all men.

Christmas is almost upon us and it's usually around this time I begin to remember those who are no longer in my life.  The special ones who are no longer with us, and the ones that made a quick departure.

2010 began pretty badly and marked the start of my blog, mainly I guess, as a way to take my mind off the things that were truly haunting me. I've been through some very sad  times in the past but had always believed that I was "blessed" or lucky. I had a loving and generous family, I had health, and I had my wonderful life but this was...bammmm and I was at the centre of it all. They say bad luck comes in threes and you've guessed it... so did mine

1. I fell out with my nephew
2. I almost lost my job
3. I lost a very close friend

They came almost suddenly, one upon the other. Although almost losing my job came close to causing me to lose my sanity,  falling out with my nephew was and is the one thing I regret and the one thing I mourn. I have absolutely no idea how it happened, but it seems to late and too sad to rehash the same old stuff. Things have been said and implied that has caused hurt to last a lifetime.  My friend?  Well, she couldn't have been a friend could she? BH says that at that time I was crumbling and that I was no longer useful to her.  I'm not convinced, but I still have no idea what happened there either! 

I was 13 when my nephew was born.  He was my baby and I loved him the moment I saw him. My older brother was young too and too young when he died. My nephew adored his father and their special relationship especially when my bro and his wife split up. His father died and it was a devastating blow for us all, especially for my nephew.  My nephew grew into a lovely young man, had a beautiful family and I thought that we'd be there to share it all with him.  We didn't fall out spectacularly.  It was a gradual sense of unease; the interference from other parties and misunderstandings.  I'm too tired to work out what went wrong.  I wasn't always right, and I should have let things go...but I didn't and I miss him. I have no idea where the anger came from.  On both sides.  I have no idea why a relationship which spanned 30 years became obsolete.  Maybe it was all the small things.  Maybe it was too hard for him to deal with. Life is more peaceful now.  No gossip. No bad thoughts.  No anger.  My brother would have been so sad to see that all he had built for this son has disappeared into the ether.  He would have been sad to see us all at odds....but that's the way it is. That's the way it will remain....until one of breaks the deadlock, but I fear it will be another tragedy that will bring us all together.  I've always been the peacemaker.  I've always tried to smooth the troubled waters, but the oil poured onto this won't dissipate.  So I've tried to let it settle and maybe it'll now sink to the bottom.

If anything, it's made Christmas cheaper!! I suppose that's one good thing that's come out of it all! No more traipsing around the shops for something that they wouldn't like, already had, or sold on eBay!!  See...I'm not bitter!

It's taken me almost 2 years get where I am now. The odd thing was that although I didn't see it at the time, when clarity came and I felt more peaceful and settled than I've been for a long time.  I see things as they are and I see I can't change what will be.  No anger, no bitterness...just acceptance of a situation I can't change.

.....but I still miss him. 

Friday, 9 December 2011

Christmas is coming and I haven't done a thing!

Christmas is fast approaching and I haven't done a thing!!  It always creeps up on me like this and I have a feeling that I'll be running around on the 24th buying all sorts of expensive crap, because I've been too lazy to put my thinking cap on!!

I've just spent the past two hours on line (which reminds me...must check whether warhammer do online purchases otherwise it's a two hour queue to get into the car park!) trying to glean some kind of idea of what to get who.  It would be far easier if we we didn't have to waste all of our hard earned cash on a single day.  It takes up the whole month...for what?  For a day of overindulgence on all levels.  BB's girlfriend (lovely though she is) has just come up with a plan to make something for each other...which is a lovely idea...but I just don't have the effing time!!!  I've got mince pies to make; I've got the tree to decorate (I can't let anyone else do it as I'm a control freak!); I've got the painting to do, before the ogre from abroad descends (read Ma in law!), and I've got to clean out the cupboards because guilt is making me!!

I've just had a look at Mimi's list to Santa...reads a bit shocking actually.  You'd think that my poor baby was lacking...something!

Here's her list:
Dear Santa
Give me:
Jaffa cakes
chrismas movei

Hmmm...I know she wrote it quickly, and without the help of the Argos catalogue...but clearly I think she may need a tutor for Christmas...well, that's what she's getting anyway!!  I keep wondering why she needs a wardrobe? Does she intend to come shopping with me? I've bought her the Christmas movie.  I've discovered the thontitepence is actually a fountain pen!  She covets my beautiful Mont Blanc, and I often find it in her writing box or down the side of the sofa...leaking into the cushions!!  I know to ask her if she's got it, as her fingers are covered in blue ink and despite her protests that she hasn't seen it I know she's fibbing!  She still can't understand how I know....I just tell her "Mummy knows everything!"  I wonder how long that's going to last.

Finn is the easiest as all he wants is Lego...Bart is getting harder.  His tastes have become more sophisticated...and expensive!!   Warhammer is the way to go for him, but a little figure sets us back £8 or more....for one tiny figure smaller than a lipstick!! Think I may have to take a peruse at ebay!!   He wants more rugby gear, which is easy, but I feel a bit mean

I have no idea what to buy for BH.  I've just come back from China and have had the opportunity to buy a few bits and bobs, and although I feel guilty for buying their wares it really is less of a drain on the pocket. And I bought myself a bag or two...and some purses...and some t-shirts...all for me!  I could see in BH's eyes that he thought I was pretty selfish...but I don't care...well I do a bit.

So what do you get the man who has everything (and if he wants more he just buys it himself)?  I have no idea....although he has dropped a gentle hint that he needs a new pair of ski boots and a helmet. Do you think I could get away with just giving him the money?


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