Goodwill and peace to all men.

Christmas is almost upon us and it's usually around this time I begin to remember those who are no longer in my life.  The special ones who are no longer with us, and the ones that made a quick departure.

2010 began pretty badly and marked the start of my blog, mainly I guess, as a way to take my mind off the things that were truly haunting me. I've been through some very sad  times in the past but had always believed that I was "blessed" or lucky. I had a loving and generous family, I had health, and I had my wonderful life but this was...bammmm and I was at the centre of it all. They say bad luck comes in threes and you've guessed it... so did mine


1. I fell out with my nephew
2. I almost lost my job
3. I lost a very close friend

They came almost suddenly, one upon the other. Although almost losing my job came close to causing me to lose my sanity,  falling out with my nephew was and is the one thing I regret and the one thing I mourn. I have absolutely no idea how it happened, but it seems to late and too sad to rehash the same old stuff. Things have been said and implied that has caused hurt to last a lifetime.  My friend?  Well, she couldn't have been a friend could she? BH says that at that time I was crumbling and that I was no longer useful to her.  I'm not convinced, but I still have no idea what happened there either! 

I was 13 when my nephew was born.  He was my baby and I loved him the moment I saw him. My older brother was young too and too young when he died. My nephew adored his father and their special relationship especially when my bro and his wife split up. His father died and it was a devastating blow for us all, especially for my nephew.  My nephew grew into a lovely young man, had a beautiful family and I thought that we'd be there to share it all with him.  We didn't fall out spectacularly.  It was a gradual sense of unease; the interference from other parties and misunderstandings.  I'm too tired to work out what went wrong.  I wasn't always right, and I should have let things go...but I didn't and I miss him. I have no idea where the anger came from.  On both sides.  I have no idea why a relationship which spanned 30 years became obsolete.  Maybe it was all the small things.  Maybe it was too hard for him to deal with. Life is more peaceful now.  No gossip. No bad thoughts.  No anger.  My brother would have been so sad to see that all he had built for this son has disappeared into the ether.  He would have been sad to see us all at odds....but that's the way it is. That's the way it will remain....until one of breaks the deadlock, but I fear it will be another tragedy that will bring us all together.  I've always been the peacemaker.  I've always tried to smooth the troubled waters, but the oil poured onto this won't dissipate.  So I've tried to let it settle and maybe it'll now sink to the bottom.

If anything, it's made Christmas cheaper!! I suppose that's one good thing that's come out of it all! No more traipsing around the shops for something that they wouldn't like, already had, or sold on eBay!!  See...I'm not bitter!

It's taken me almost 2 years get where I am now. The odd thing was that although I didn't see it at the time, when clarity came and I felt more peaceful and settled than I've been for a long time.  I see things as they are and I see I can't change what will be.  No anger, no bitterness...just acceptance of a situation I can't change.

.....but I still miss him. 

Comments

  1. It looks like you have been through a lot recently! I think that, especially during Xmas, we need to take it easy. Take care.

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  2. Thanks...it's been tough and I'm a bit maudlin at the moment so I'm hoping to snap out of it shortly. Now it's off my chest...onwards and upwards!

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  3. Sounds like a very painful situation for you. Families are hard to maintain at times, you cannot tell what other people are thinking, and they can't tell what you are thinking either. Knowt so queer as folk as the old saying goes. Hope you are OK. Emma

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