Friday, 21 June 2013

Weird searches and rogue aupairs!

I check my stats and searches occasionally, just to see where they come from and to see how peeps end up here.

Unfortunately, for the  few that probably end up here, probably turn off in disgust when they realise that this isn't a site for "sexy au-pairs" or "dustmen xxx porn" .  I mean...really?  Dustmen porn?  Where do they get the idea that dustmen even have a porn site? I've had searches for school gate porn, mummy porn, garden porn, nude au pairs... funnily enough au pair porn comes out tops!  All you guys out there really do get your rocks off on our au pairs don't you? It happens quite a lot and it makes me wonder what goes through peoples mind when searching for that particular content?

Which reminds me of something that someone spoke to me about the other day.  We were all standing around at the school gate gossiping and someone asked how I found my aupair...in how I found her generally. Miriam has gone (weep, weep) but in her place we have Silvia.  Silvia is lovely and after all these years of Miriam it's a breath of fresh air.  She loves the kids, the dogs...and me!  She's pretty (we need something nice to look at!) and kind and she's very young.

Anyway, one of the mum's grabbed me as I left with Mimi.  I don't know her too well.  She's generally quiet but sits on the periphery of our group.

"Don't trust her" she whispered.

"Oh, why's that?" I asked thinking she'd seen something I hadn't.  We always like to know what's really going on. 

"I've had the most awful experience and you must promise that you don't tell anyone"

"Sure"  

I do keep a confidence when it's told to me in secret however I don't feel that the blog is breaking that confidence.

"I  went out with some friends the other night and came home the other night earlier than expected. Ian was supposed to be working late and I had left the children with the Minka, the au pair.  Ian was sitting on the sofa covered in a blanket.  I thought he'd come home early as he was ill.  I went into the kitchen and there was Minka draped in my silk dressing gown filling two glasses with wine. I couldn't workout why she was in my dressing gown.  I went back into the living room where Ian was frantically trying to throw some clothes on.  I hadn't realsied he didn't have any on.  I started to scream and shout and told her to leave.  "You leave!" she said.  I couldn't understand it.  It's been a nightmare! " 

And there was me thinking everything was peachy! She looked fine and I had no idea she was in meltdown.

Anyway as far as I can make out her husband has been having an affair with the au pair. He says he loves her and that "wifey" should leave as the kids love Minka! 

What????

She hasn't left. Neither has he or the au pair.  What a mess! So I best get prepared incase Silvia has designs on BH.  On second thoughts she can have him.  I'm fed up with picking up his pants and smiling tolerantly while he thinks it's ok to fart when sweet talking me!  I've had enough already! Do you know how hard it is to get an au pair?

Anyway, if you're here looking for porn the nearest you're going to get is a blog about me going off to the pawn shop hocking the silverware when BH decides to trade me in for a younger prettier model...he can only but try!


Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Giving up the weed...

I'm a terrible smoker. Well, not terrible as I'm really quite good at it. In fact I will go so far to say that I'm an expert. And I've loved it. I know, I know.  It's a disgusting habit which is ageing me faster than a fortnight in Spain, but I've loved it.  I've loved every minute of it.  But I know it's time to say goodbye, sayonara, Taraa!

You see, we've had a bit of a scare. Bro has cancer.  The stark reality makes you realise life is short enough without poisoning myself and everyone around me.  I didn't make a pact with God...it didn't work before and anyway I'm not about to play the blackmail game.  "If you cure Bro, I'll give up smoking".  Nahhh, that isn't me. And I'm not pretending to do it for Bro.  I'm doing it for myself.  Bro is giving up too, which is a positive move. Maybe a bit like locking the stable door after the horse has bolted but who am I to criticise?   The cancer is about Bro.  The smoking is about both of us.

So tonight I will be smoking my last ever cigarette and will be waking up in the morning a non smoker.   I've got my vapour fags, I've got my patches so I can only try and be a bit less of a bitch.  The smoking thing will not define me. I will not be a statistic.

I can do without the fags but I can't do without Bro.

Sunday, 16 June 2013

My Rubbish Cleaner...

I have a cleaner.  Not a very good one, but she's ever so nice.  She took early retirement from her (real) job and thought "I'll do some cleaning.  It can't be that difficult...I do my own!" I probably should've gone and looked at her house before I said yes.  I can do my own but I'm not very good at it. 

Anyway, like I said...she's not that good, but I wanted someone to come on a Friday to make it all nice for the weekend.  I wanted it all spick and span. I wanted to smell the polish as I came through the door and I wanted it to last until the next week. Obviously my expectations are too high.  She doesn't like my Dyson and doesn't like cleaning under the sofa...I have to do that. She doesn't like spiders (OK, I do) and I hate anyone squashing them so I go around the homestead trying to find the little critters in case she leaves! She won't pick up anything from the floor but will maneuver her vacuum around them.  But she's very nice.

I had a cleaner a couple of years ago as Miriam (the au pair) was totally rubbish.  The cleaner I had was very nice and very good. We negotiated for three hours. I would make her a coffee and she'd sit...and sit...and sit.  She'd sit for an hour and I'd have to pay her for her sit down time! In the end I had to say I was having work done and I'd call her when I needed her back...I obviously didn't make that call.

Last week,  I asked her how it was going. She was looking for some extra work and a lady (why do cleaners always call their cleaning jobs "Lady"?) she works for mentioned she knew someone who needed a cleaner.  She said she'd give her a trial.  "It was filthy!" she told me in disgust.  "I mean, who lives like that? I'm not going back!"  I thought the purpose of a cleaner was to get your home into tip top shape.  Being a cleaner entails...surprise, surprise...cleaning! 

My sis told me that her cleaner moans about the windows. "You must open them every day for two hours.They get dirty as they are not opened."  Sis just laughs. She pays her to clean,  and if the windows get dirty week after week...too bad!

I liked her because she loved the dogs...and the kids.  Maybe I should've asked her to be the au-pair?

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