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I’m no stranger to death so cancer can go f**k itself!

 Hmmm, doesn’t sound too uplifting does it? It doesn’t really matter because this is for me...and I am no stranger to death. Really. Not my own, but like millions of us around the globe I’ve had loss. I’ve suffered from grief and I’ve prayed that it would never happen again. But it does. It’s inevitable. With life there’s death. Always. And it’s those who are left behind who suffer continuously. 

I’m not incredibly self indulgent (unless it comes to buying clothes), but as this blog is for my thoughts it’s my indulgent spot where I can say what I want, not that I’ve not censored or held back on posting. If you looked into my drafts you’ll see 100’s of posts that I haven’t posted. I’m not really who I say I am. The things I’ve written about have happened, but 10 years ago I needed an outlet for something that happened and mummyattheschoolgate was born. It helped me through a rough patch. 

I don’t have three children. I have one son. I’m not 40 something, I’m older. I feel younger. I have a BH and he’s exactly as presented. He’s real. The children are all my son. The au pairs are real, the friends are real as are all the experiences. I needed to hide my identity to protect myself. 

But now, it’s time to step into the light and be real. My name is Jaki.  I’ve been married to Mike for 36 years...and I’ve loved every single moment of it. We’ve laughed through it all. It’s always been our default position. Something terrible happens...laugh. 

Life is beautiful and life is real.  It always has been and always is. Sometimes we hide behind a facade to pretend that things are ok, but sometimes we need to let the mask fall and know that it’s ok to be real. The pretence stops.  As for me, I’ve always hidden. I’ve not always acknowledged that fears are ok. Hiding is not always the best way to be. I’ve always needed to be strong. To be seen as strong,  put on a happy face and just get on with it...and after this I’ll probably carry on doing the same. I’ll put on the happy face in public, and when I’m alone will scream and cry into a towel or a pillow. Anything to muffle the pain and noise. It helps. 

And now, the question is “Why this post?”. The honest answer will be “My husband, the love of my life, has cancer” Bleak. Stark. My heart is broken.

I’m already grieving and I can’t stop crying. I can’t pretend this isn’t happening and I can’t pretend I’ll be ok, because I won’t. I’ll get past this week and we’ll have good days I know. I’m wasting time by jumping straight to the end. It’s not over yet, but I need to get that headspace straight. 

Now is not the time to completely drop the pretence. It’s not alright and it won’t be fine, but for my beautiful husbands sake and for the sake of our son, my husbands family, my family, our friends, I need to be ok. I need to be the strongest I’ve ever been. No pity party here. We’ll get through this, and we’ll come out the other. We have to. We have no choice.

We are Warriors.


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