Mummy at the School Gate

April 2022  Two of them I have a lot of, while I have very little of the other. When Mike was ill we slept a lot, heavy and sound. We’d wake up surprised that we’d both slept so well particularly when we were going through such an awful, horrific process.  Now, I wake up exhausted. I wake maybe 3-5 times each night. Sometimes I actually get up and go in hunt of food (usually chocolate).  My face shows the lack of sleep, and my bones feel it. I can’t understand why every part of my body hurts and why I drag myself about in utter exhaustion. I take the dogs for a walk and can barely put one foot in front of the other. Halfway through the walk, I really don’t think I’ll be able to make it home. I’m not old, and I’m not ill so where has all my energy gone? I’m not tired just exhausted. TV box sets have been a god send. My son and I will sit and watch one episode after the other. Game of Thrones, Succession, Vikings, Sons of Anarchy, stuff I’ve never seen but stuff that gets us through the

January is bleak at the best of times…only now it’s bleaker than I ever thought possible. I wonder how I’m going to get through this awful, horrific time. I know I will, but I don’t want to. Words aren’t enough to express my thoughts. I veer between black humour and absolute fear. My beautiful husband passed away on Jan 1st. We’d never been a fan of New Years, and now he’s really made sure I’ll never celebrate another!  It’s not how I thought I’d react. People have been so kind, want to spend time with me yet I just want them to leave me alone. “Do you have people to support you” is something that’s now often asked. I have loads, yet I don’t want anyone else near me. I know when my mum lost Dad, she needed to be surrounded with everyone. I don’t want anyone. Mostly everyone gets on my nerves and I think I’m only trying to make them feel better.  I’m fine.  I’m ok.  I’m good.  I’m not. I told him, I’d kill myself. I’d lay down and never get up. He wouldn’t know what to say. It’s not tha