Grief, Fear, Sleep, exhaustion and other stuff that goes with it.

April 2022

 Two of them I have a lot of, while I have very little of the other.

When Mike was ill we slept a lot, heavy and sound. We’d wake up surprised that we’d both slept so well particularly when we were going through such an awful, horrific process. 

Now, I wake up exhausted. I wake maybe 3-5 times each night. Sometimes I actually get up and go in hunt of food (usually chocolate).  My face shows the lack of sleep, and my bones feel it. I can’t understand why every part of my body hurts and why I drag myself about in utter exhaustion. I take the dogs for a walk and can barely put one foot in front of the other. Halfway through the walk, I really don’t think I’ll be able to make it home. I’m not old, and I’m not ill so where has all my energy gone? I’m not tired just exhausted. TV box sets have been a god send. My son and I will sit and watch one episode after the other. Game of Thrones, Succession, Vikings, Sons of Anarchy, stuff I’ve never seen but stuff that gets us through the evening without thinking or crying. We’d go to bed after midnight after watching 3 or 4 episodes. 

I can’t even be bothered to dress properly. Very often, I’ll put on the clothes I wore the day before…and the day before that. My hair gets scraped back into its most unflattering pony tail

I’m writing lists. Things that need to be done and ticked off. That way I know at least I’ve achieved something during each day. I write the mundane…like brush my teeth, wash my hair, (write a list!) just to make the list a bit longer and also because I’ll probably forget. Ticking them off helps. 

They say that grief is energy sapping so I guess I’ll always feel like this. It’s not even as if I’m doing much  of anything. 

I’m trying to keep our business going but that’s difficult especially since I know nothing about it. Fear of getting it wrong. Fear of actually doing it. Fear of everything. I’ve never experienced such fear and anxiety. I wake up in the night and I’m scared. Not of anything in particular, just scared of going on without him. Of him not being here by my side like we’d planned.

July 2022

I didn’t think I’d be able to get this far without falling apart. I haven’t done so yet. I’m ok. I’m ok with being miserable for the rest of my life. I laugh occasionally, but it’s usually something someone has said that’s completely inappropriate and macabre. 

The business has taken its toll on me. I started off well and it kept me distracted but as time has gone on I’m more reluctant to tackle the things I know I don’t know…and that’s a lot of it. Most clients have been understanding but the time has come when they expect a service I just can’t give. So far, I’m just ignoring everything. The calls, the emails and everything that goes with it. I think I’m done. 

I’m sleeping better. I take magnesium every night which seems to help and the weighted blanket that stops me from wandering the house…and eating! 

For some reason, I’m obsessed with clearing out. I seem to be downsizing. I don’t want Luke to have to deal with my shit if something happens to me. It’d probably all end up in the skip anyway! There’s so much paper, files receipts! 

I’ve had to do things I didn’t want to do, like get the house valued for probate, write another will. I have to think about things like selling the Defender, the trailer and the equipment for the business, which is stored in the garage. I haven’t touched his clothes. I can’t. So they still sit in his wardrobe. 

I haven’t sorted his final resting place yet, but I know I need to. I will, but I’m not ready yet. I don’t feel ready for much, but I will be.