I’m breathing but still drowning.

Many of my draft posts in the last 15 months have been desperate, sad, depressing and full of self pity. In essence, all about me. A outpouring of all my grief. I haven’t posted them because I guess they’re like a diary of my sadness. Yes, I’m sad. Yes, I’m grieving but really no one wants to read a post that’s so self absorbed, yet sometimes I feel it’s the need to know that others are going through the same. 

I joined a few online groups in the early days and in all honesty, I find them hard to read. I don’t join in because it’s much of the same. People post because they’re feeling at their lowest ebb. That’s not to say that tomorrow they’ll feel ok or slightly different. It makes me feel better knowing that others are in the same boat as me. Not that I want anyone to feel how I feel, but I know I’m not alone in my desperation. Every day is a different day. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s not. 

In the very, very early days, someone sent me a poem. It was about how grief is like being in the sea without a raft. The waves are huge, some knock you over, some allow you to breathe and give you respite until the next one hits. Yes, it’s like that. Someone else said it’s like your grief is a tennis ball in a jar. Initially the the jar is small and tight for the ball, but as time goes on, the tennis ball goes into a larger jar and there’s space around it. The grief remains the same size, but as the jar gets bigger the grief is surrounded by air. Same kind of thing, I guess. It’s nice to have comparisons. It’s nice to know that you can breathe. 

Talking of breathing…I went to a retreat last week. Not your normal yoga or pampering spa break but a completely different type of ‘getting in touch with yourself’ sort of break. Lots of meditation, breathing, ecstatic dancing and mindfulness (although we did call it mindless and thoughtless. They couldn’t really call it a Thoughtless Retreat, could they? They wouldn’t get many takers!) It wasn’t too much but enough to make a bit of a difference. It wasn’t spiritual or religious based and was meant to be relaxing and zen. I came back completely knackered! It’s an exhausting business relaxing! 

It probably wouldn’t be for everyone, but the facilitators were kind, caring and didn’t probe, which worked well for me.

 I think I may write my next post on the experience. It would be good to get back into my other world again. Not moving forward, but creating a different but positive environment for myself. I can hear my voice a little clearer. I’m not sure the procrastination has been shelved, but at least I can see the dog hair that needs vacuuming!

What has helped you through periods of despair?