New Challenges Ahead.

 2 years on. 

Life has stood still. 

Like everyone who has experienced loss it can be hard to snap out of the deep pain that accompanies each day. Today, I went for a long yomp in my favourite place with the pup, Benny Poo. The other two are getting on and travel at different speeds so stayed in the homestead. For the first time in almost 3 years, I felt a sense of peace. It made my heart swell. I haven’t had this feeling in so long. That’s a good thing. A small sliver of hope in a sea of sadness. 

I’ve not been working so haven’t had the luxury of distraction or the dosh. We took voluntary redundancy during the pandemic thinking we’d continue with our business. That dream died with Mike. 

I’ve been so lucky not having to worry about money or where it’s coming from but now I have no income so I’m eating into our savings. Probably should think about getting a job.

 I’ve been clearing the house of the stuff I’ve never used or things I’ve just stored. You know, the things you ‘might need’ but can’t find when you do need them or forget you’ve got them until you come across them in the search for other things. 

I had a chip fryer and a juicer, used once then packed  away. I swapped them for a tin of quality street and two bars of Cadbury’s fruit and nut. Didn’t do much for my hips or the burgeoning double chin but I felt better for bartering rather than selling. I seem to be eating my way through grief. 

I’ve been to the charity shop and have offloaded the stilettos, strappy dresses and ball gowns which will never, ever see the light of day in my life. Half of them have still have tags attached or never been worn. My wardrobes don’t seem to look much emptier and I still have the attic to go through…I mean, how many coats do I need? 

What do I actually need that I don’t already have? 

Nothing is the answer. 

The pup has ripped my fave cords. I’ll just try and repair them. I’ve already repaired some favourite jeans which had thinned with wear. Quite proud of myself. 

Instagram and influencers have been the bane of my life in recent years. I wasn’t sure what influencers were, but I realise now they work for the devil! Making me part with my cash for a dream! I know it’s their job but they’re sales people and most of them are bloody good at it. 

Which brings me on to my next project/challenge. My year of ‘no buying’…anything! 

Obviously, I need to buy food and essentials to run the homestead. Who knows, the washing machine might need replacing, or the cooker (unlikely, since I don’t cook that much). I have 4 vacuums so it’s unlikely I’ll need to replace them! 

I know it’s only early January, but it really has made me look at the way I shop in all areas of my life. I have a plethora of shampoos, conditioners, moisturisers, cleaning products etc so I’ll need to replace them as I use the surplus supplies, rather than buying more! I suppose like most of us I’ll pick up a bottle of something to make my life sparkling. 

I’ve tried not to do a ‘top up’ shop and use the items I have. I’ve noticed that when I pop out for some milk, I generally throw in a few extras so my shop becomes £30 rather than the £1.50 I’d initially anticipated. I did have an idea a few years back of boycotting supermarkets on a certain day, just as a protest to reduce their plastic waste, but I lacked the enthusiasm to encourage others to do the same. It wouldn’t work if it was just me. I also thought sending back all the packaging back to the head office of each of the supermarkets. Bag it up, stick it in a bag with no stamp and post it!  I even have all of their addresses! I get so far then lose momentum. Story of my life!

I’ve noticed that it’s made me stop looking at the sales online. Generally, I’ll pop onto COS, Toast or even H&M just to see if I can pick up a bargain. It’s not really a bargain because I never needed it anyway! And what I’ve also noticed is the quality of the items, these days. Clothes that I’ve had since my 20’s have lasted and still remain in my wardrobe (in the hope I’ll fit into them), whilst the recently purchased knitwear have bobbled so badly, I don’t think they’ll last another season. The quality is appalling and that’s down to the mix of fabrics…and they’re not that cheap! So now I’m not even looking. 

Amazon probably has been my downfall. I need something. I weigh up the pros of going to the store and picking it up myself…time/fuel and work out it’s cheaper to get it on Amazon the next day! I don’t think about whether it’s good for the environment, my pocket, the employees, I’m just concerned about getting it at the time they said. I’m low on cable ties. I haven’t actually run out and I probably won’t need them for a while so I won’t buy them until I need them…or use twine! 

I’m not buying second hand or vintage. It defeats my purpose. I may swap and I might sell but I won’t buy. 

I’ve encouraged the child to do the same. He’s been spending like a man with a gambling habit (grief induced, I think) and he’s agreed to do it for 6 months. He says, so far, he’s stopped scrolling insta, Pinterest for new things. It’s given him time to do other things instead of diving down that rabbit hole!

Not sure how interesting it will be for other people, but for me it’s essential. I need to stop buying to fill the grief hole and I need find things fulfilling …and free! I love walking and I love my dogs! This is going to be a breeze!