Mummy at the School Gate

 2 years on.  Life has stood still.  Like everyone who has experienced loss it can be hard to snap out of the deep pain that accompanies each day. Today, I went for a long yomp in my favourite place with the pup, Benny Poo. The other two are getting on and travel at different speeds so stayed in the homestead. For the first time in almost 3 years, I felt a sense of peace. It made my heart swell. I haven’t had this feeling in so long. That’s a good thing. A small sliver of hope in a sea of sadness.  I’ve not been working so haven’t had the luxury of distraction or the dosh. We took voluntary redundancy during the pandemic thinking we’d continue with our business. That dream died with Mike.  I’ve been so lucky not having to worry about money or where it’s coming from but now I have no income so I’m eating into our savings. Probably should think about getting a job.  I’ve been clearing the house of the stuff I’ve never used or things I’ve just stored. You know, the things you ‘might need’

Before the kids I was a savvy shopper.  Everything went with something. My wardrobe was arranged perfectly, and I would spend hours working out what I needed. I still have those clothes but they no longer fit. In fact, very little fits.   I used to walk the dogs in beautiful velvet trousers until one of the mums from the school gate commented on them. "Ohh, I see you're walking the dogs in velvet trousers.  How decadent!" I'm still not sure if she was being admiring or sarcastic!  From the look on her face I believe it was possibly the latter. Most of the mums at the school gate look pretty amazing, and I wonder how they do it, especially as they seem to have 3 or 4 sprogs in tow. Now it's jeans and a white t-shirt (if I can find a clean one), often it's a dressing gown until 12, (in my defence I work long hours!), then a quick change into track suit bottoms, wellingtons and a jumper to walk the dogs, then another quick change into smart (ish)