It's been a while, but I suddenly wondered where I was and what I was supposed to be doing...and it wasn't what I was doing 10 minutes ago. 10 minutes ago I was washing the floor. 10 minutes ago I was thinking as I was washing the floor, my mind wandering over and past all of the conversations I've had with various people. Interesting people and people who seem to live fuller lives than mine.
I remember one chap, a colleague, (who I'd spent several days with drinking coffees and smoking, bantering, putting the world to rights, talking about HIS family, HIS adventures, HIS thoughts for the future) and he said to me after he'd been chatting with another colleague "You're boring! She's done so much. She's soooo interesting!". At the time, I thought he was a twat, but 10 minutes ago I wondered if he was actually right. 10 minutes ago, I thought,
"Is this it? Is this the sum total of my life? Is this what I'm destined to do for the rest of it?"
It isn't. It's this and I've missed it. I keep missing it but I forget sometimes and get caught up with what I'm supposed to do for others. That means I forget about myself and what I love to do. The reason being is that I'm a mother first, as I keep being told. BH tells me that I'm doing a sterling job as it allows the rest of them to get on with their lives without stopping.
Me? I clean, cook, wash, vacuum, iron, shop...with each of them in mind.
Will it ever stop?
I doubt it as my 50 something brother still expects 80 something Ma to be at his beck and call. Not his fault, I know. It's all hers. She's the one that has taught us females to be a "mother". I call it the 'enabler' as it enables everyone else to do what they want without thought of what they should/could be doing, which in turn has created a code of conduct in which the women follow and the men take advantage of.
The boys are now men. They are semi capable. By which I mean they know that I'll always be here to cook their dinner, make sure the fridge is full so that they are able to graze at will and that the 'Mum Taxi' is always on standby. I'm looking forward to the day when they decide they no longer need me. I keep telling them that the apron strings will shortly be cut and I will have no problem kicking them from the nest with a cry of "Fly little babies, Fly!" They don't think it's funny but I've extracted a promise that they'll out by the time their 40!
Mimi is a difficult teenager. She volleys between, sweet, loving and mild-mannered Mimi and moody-volatile-silent Mimi. I know which one I like better and pray that she'll return to me soon. Not forever, mind you. However, she appears to be following in the footsteps of her brothers. She's capable of looking after herself, but knows that I'll be hovering in the background waiting to catch her when she falls. She thinks she doesn't need catching and will no doubt growl at me when I do, but I'm here...always.
I read something the other day that truly resonated with me. We always say that all we want for our children is for them to be happy. What does 'happy' mean? We say it as though it's the only thing that matters. If that's all my self obsessed babies that I've procreated will worry about then I've been wrong for a very long time. Anyone can be happy.
I remember one chap, a colleague, (who I'd spent several days with drinking coffees and smoking, bantering, putting the world to rights, talking about HIS family, HIS adventures, HIS thoughts for the future) and he said to me after he'd been chatting with another colleague "You're boring! She's done so much. She's soooo interesting!". At the time, I thought he was a twat, but 10 minutes ago I wondered if he was actually right. 10 minutes ago, I thought,
"Is this it? Is this the sum total of my life? Is this what I'm destined to do for the rest of it?"
It isn't. It's this and I've missed it. I keep missing it but I forget sometimes and get caught up with what I'm supposed to do for others. That means I forget about myself and what I love to do. The reason being is that I'm a mother first, as I keep being told. BH tells me that I'm doing a sterling job as it allows the rest of them to get on with their lives without stopping.
Me? I clean, cook, wash, vacuum, iron, shop...with each of them in mind.
Will it ever stop?
I doubt it as my 50 something brother still expects 80 something Ma to be at his beck and call. Not his fault, I know. It's all hers. She's the one that has taught us females to be a "mother". I call it the 'enabler' as it enables everyone else to do what they want without thought of what they should/could be doing, which in turn has created a code of conduct in which the women follow and the men take advantage of.
The boys are now men. They are semi capable. By which I mean they know that I'll always be here to cook their dinner, make sure the fridge is full so that they are able to graze at will and that the 'Mum Taxi' is always on standby. I'm looking forward to the day when they decide they no longer need me. I keep telling them that the apron strings will shortly be cut and I will have no problem kicking them from the nest with a cry of "Fly little babies, Fly!" They don't think it's funny but I've extracted a promise that they'll out by the time their 40!
Mimi is a difficult teenager. She volleys between, sweet, loving and mild-mannered Mimi and moody-volatile-silent Mimi. I know which one I like better and pray that she'll return to me soon. Not forever, mind you. However, she appears to be following in the footsteps of her brothers. She's capable of looking after herself, but knows that I'll be hovering in the background waiting to catch her when she falls. She thinks she doesn't need catching and will no doubt growl at me when I do, but I'm here...always.
I read something the other day that truly resonated with me. We always say that all we want for our children is for them to be happy. What does 'happy' mean? We say it as though it's the only thing that matters. If that's all my self obsessed babies that I've procreated will worry about then I've been wrong for a very long time. Anyone can be happy.
What I really want for my children is for them to be kind, for them to have empathy and for them to see the best in others rather than the worst. I want them to see opportunities and learn from their mistakes. I don't want them to just happy; I want them to take life by the scruff of it's neck and shout
"Give me all you've got!"
and enjoy every moment that life has to offer them. The good and the bad. And I want them to realise that I was a great Mum!
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